Shake Free From Failure

Have you ever thought you were a failure?

I mean, not that those words would ever float out of your mouth and into the ears of another.  No way!  Not like that.  But sometimes, when things are quiet and you are alone the thoughts about yourself start to stir…

Why can’t I make this work?

I’m ruining it again.

Is this all there is?

Of course you get invested when a project is important to you; the book you want to write, the weight you want to loose, the promotion you long for.   This is true for anything you strongly desire.

But there is a difference between a project you work on and your value as a person.

Don’t let them be the same thing.  Tease apart your sense of self worth from your projects.  So if the book doesn’t get completed, it doesn’t becomes personal.  Stick to the facts -the book didn’t get finished- rather than the idea -something is wrong with me- because the book didn’t get finished.

You may not have reached your goal but that does not make YOU a failure.  It makes the project a failure.

Keeping your self separate empowers you to evaluate without fear what took place that worked or did not work.  What critical piece or pieces were missing for this activity to be a success?

I know this might feel like a leap for some of you.  Especially if you have bought into the  mindset that your business ventures are a reflection on YOU, or your children’s behavior is a reflection on YOU, or your bank account is a reflection on YOU.  The truth is these situations do not define you.

No.  These factors are neutral before you put your spin on them.  Your interpretation of the facts is where you can gain influence.

A shift in how you view the projects in your life can help to free you from self doubt and self criticism.  And who doesn’t want that?!

People don’t fail.  Projects do.

Oh! But you say, if I’m not responsible for the outcome, who is???  Won’t I become complacent?  A giant blob of low expectations and lack of motivation?

Only if you want to.  The idea here is to increase your effectiveness.  You become objective when you separate your identity from the project.  And when you are objective, fear goes down.  And when fear goes down, you attain a sense of control.

How do you think your decisions might look different from a solid foundation of calm confidence?  Decisions made from a place where projects are not about you personally?

This view helps you operate from an action mentality,  such as “What needs to happen here for this to work?”.   Rather than the slog of, “What will people think if this doesn’t work?”

For me, it makes all the difference.  I can evaluate and act more freely.  I have more clarity about the task at hand and I am less afraid.

I realize that things not working is part of my learning.  The “failures” help me figure it all out, but only if I let them.  Only if I experience them as neutral information to be considered in my choices instead of emotionally charged information to weigh me down.

Do you do this?  What are your thoughts?  I’d love to hear from you.  Leave me a comment below.

All the best to you-

Lori

 

Advance Your Inner Dialog

 

I read a Nielsen report recently that stated the average American watches 4 hours of TV per day.  This adds up to about 9 years of boob tube time for someone who makes it to 65 years old.  Hmmm, how much have I been hypnotized by the screen?

Not much, I think…but I have journaled a ton.  I have spent MANY HOURS squeezing my life through the tip of an ink pen.

The bulk of the writing was empty rambling, like I was openly sharing my answer to “How was your day?” with my best friend.  I’d gather all of the problems and challenges swirling in my head and let them flow to paper.  Somehow this transformed the ideas into something I could work with.  When I saw the words in front of me, they became solid and I could capture the thoughts like roaming fireflies from a bean field on a mid-summer evening.  Yes.  I’ve got you now.

I still own the journals.  I filled book after book with circular discourse.  Now I can see I mainly focused on what was wrong.  Here is a tiny sample of the mental cage I had built for myself:

• “My life is so difficult.”
• “So and so did this/said that.  I am so hurt.”
• “Here we go again, I am NOT reaching my goal of _______.”

The toxicity never occurred to me.  It was simply the water I swam in, a pool of negativity.  I knew getting it onto my notepad helped me.  I’d write out the muck sort of like purging and flushing.

Eventually, I saw the repetition, the themes and patterns of thought dictating my actions. These were old emotional and cognitive patterns playing out with vigor.  The time came for me to strip them of their power and explore new pools of water.  “I want a hot mountain spring, chuck full of nourishing messages”, I thought.  “I want to swim in a pool of positivity.”

I committed to change the narrative inside my head.  I told myself, “I am determined to see this differently” (A Course in Miracles lesson by the way).

I made note cards with new thoughts.  These were not affirmations.  Rather, these were genuine thoughts I had when I was in a calm clear state of mind like the messages a good yoga teacher asserts with authority you when you are straining to get your nose to touch your chin.  The ideas on the note cards were true and real for me.  I had learned these lessons already.   I simply forgot them easily when I was under stress, which is exactly when the old mental habits were so strong, so ingrained, so very automatic.  This is when the old ways showed up with a pitch fork holding their claim to my cognitive real estate.

I memorized the new beliefs and found opportunities to use them in everyday situations.  When I messed up, the narrative became “This doesn’t define me.  I can learn from it.”  When I felt overwhelmed, I’d turn to “You are capable.  You are stronger than you think.” When tears flowed and my throat choked up, I’d say “I am so sorry.  I love you.  This will pass.”  The words supported me.

It occurred to me as I re-read a recent journal entry that I this process has helped me forge a new psychological system to operate from.  Now my daily writings reflect the new mental climate I  have created, for example;

• “I have so much.”
• “This is doable.”
• “It’s okay to_____.”

Of course, I still write about challenges but it has a purpose to it now.   I scratch out the ugly parts so I can get to the wisdom.  The process moves toward “Where am I stuck?”  and “What do I need?” as well as my own sweet encouragement to myself to “Get still.  Let go.  Trust.”

There is tremendous sticking power to our patterns of thought.  Do not under estimate the influence these messages can have on your quality of life.   If you haven’t already, start to notice the musings of the partner in your head.  As you are ready, actively cull and shape the narrative to something magical that feeds the soul of your being.  Make it serve you.  Make it nurture you.  Make it empower you.

All the best to you-