5 Science-Based Practices for Growing Self Acceptance

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Our friends at Hertfordshire University in the UK discovered that self acceptance contributes most to our life satisfaction.  Yet, it is practiced the least when compared to nine other key “happiness practices”. (2014)

Kinda crazy, huh?

Is a lack of self acceptance possibly what keeps you from taking your life to the next level of confidence and peace?

Last week’s blog post focused on why self acceptance is important .  This week’s post  shares the top five practices that will get you there.

Rely on these powerful actions as much as you rely on the internet.  These are proven strategies, quick and doable ways of being for unbreakable confidence and self love.  Remembering to use them is probably the hardest part.

First, and probably most important of all, develop an “observer mode” to your own life.  Learn to watch yourself with out judging or narrating what you see.  Simply notice what is happening in your belly and head.  Open up to it.  Allow whatever you notice to be there.  

Start with literally a few minutes a day, letting go of the need to do anything other observing yourself.  You do not have to stop and be still but it might make it easier at first.

What matters most is how you are paying attention.

My favorite way of practicing this is to put my hand to my heart and check in with myself, over and over, throughout the day.  What is happening for me now?  And now?  And how about now?

Listen to your own sweet soul by observing and allowing what you are experiencing in your body and mind.

When you do pay attention in this way, the little workers in your head with hammers and ladders busily start building up parts of your brain which lay the groundwork for  greater self acceptance.

Hungry for more? Carson and Langer from Harvard University do a wonderful job of highlighting the connections between mindfulness and self acceptance in their 2006 article found here.

The second practice for growing self acceptance is learning to find the good in yourself and your life.  Get in the habit of looking at what you do have rather than what you don’t have. 

Train your mind to seek out the pleasant heart warming experiences and linger in those moments; the smile on a child’s face, the sunshine on your cheeks; heck, making it to work on-time!

Whatever it is, let the feel-good chemicals bathe your brain as you hold in your mind the things you are thankful for.

The idea is to repeatedly find the good in everyday stuff like text messages and toilets.

I love the 5 Minute Journal App  for this practice!

The third action you can take to increase self acceptance is to develop a flexible thinking style. 

Our brains think, categorize, label, and judge.  It’s how they operate and it serves us well in many ways.  But our mental musings are just that, mental musings, and not always a reflection of reality.

As I write this, a big orange Wheaties box is on the counter.  Serena Williams fills the backside with her gorgeous smile and the bold caption, “Serena Williams is a Champion”.  Boom.  This dynamic multi-faceted human has been reduced to a few words.

What might be more flexible and closer to reality is a statement like, “Serena Williams has won some very hard tennis games.”  Not as sensational, huh?

But, this statement is much closer to reality and it leaves room for other parts of Serena to be considered.  But no one is inspired to eat Wheaties like that.

Mental flexibility opens up the pool of possibility as opposed to rigid thinking which creates emotional intensity and reduces complex things down to one set way.

Use possibility language to create an open mindset. 

Flex your mental gymnast muscles by moving away from words like have to, will, must, ought to, either/or, and should or cannot.  Consciously choose words like can, could, may, maybe, might, both/and, or perhaps.

You are a brilliant diamond with far too many facets to count. So don’t limit yourself to finite categories.  When it comes to how you view yourself, try this on for size:

At times, I can be ______(this or that), rather than I am____ (this or that).

The fourth method for boosting self acceptance is to stop blindly comparing yourself to others.  We all naturally compare but doing it mindlessly can be poisonous to our wellbeing.

If you are prone to scrolling through social media feeds, where people often only share the best of their lives, you might be interested to know there is a correlation between comparing yourself to others on social media and symptoms of depression.

The target here is to compare with a purpose rather than blindly.  We can compare to learn and grow rather than to guilt or shame ourselves.

Washing dishes the other day, I found my mind reflecting on the truly amazing projects I saw others had completed in a class I am taking.  A hard lump just below my rib cage woke me up to the thoughts I was having.

I’m so far behind.  I don’t have that.  I’m not doing a good job.

Wait a dirty minute! Not happening.  This is negative comparison.  I immediately shifted my mind to – these people are showing me what’s possible.  I can do this too!  A squirt of happy energy shot through my body.

Noticing is often the only thing you’ll need to interrupt comparing and change your course toward something more wholesome.  A few more nourishing options are below.

• Focus on your own standards and values.  What are your goals?  What is important to you?
• Do a reality check.  Do you use filters, take multiple selfies, and post only the best, or most interesting from your life?  Does it accurately reflect your whole life?
• Be happy for others and their good fortune.  Appreciate the differences between you and them.  Their success doesn’t impact yours in any way.

Finally, the fifth way for building self acceptance is completely own your emotions.  This means everything you feel is your own rich creation. No matter what the situation, you are the source of your emotions.

• Coronavirus doesn’t make you anxious.  You make yourself anxious about Coronavirus.
• Your spouse doesn’t make you mad.  You make yourself mad.
• You are not a victim of any circumstance, unless you make yourself a victim.

You cannot move past the emotion if you cannot recognize it as your own, feel what you need to feel, and then do the work of getting the knots out of your rope. 

Not only does taking full responsibility for your emotions empower you, it welcomes home a part of yourself that was being rejected.  You literally deny a part of yourself when you avoid emotions.

Imagine you live in a house with three other roommates but one has been locked outside.  No matter how loudly they beat on the door, you do not let them in.  What would that be like for you?  For months they pound and yell, “Let me in”.

When you deny your emotions, you have left one of your roommates out on the porch.

You can geek out with this study by Kivity, Tamir, and Huppert (2016)  which supports the common sense idea that self acceptance and emotional regulation work best when they work together. 

One way to own emotions more fully is to simply name them as you experience them.  Label them clearly with one word and repeat it while you use observer mode to watch the emotions rather than be lost in it.

If take only one thing away from reading this article, I hope it is the idea that you hold the keys to your own level of satisfaction in life.

You hold the keys to your own Happy.  Self acceptance is within your reach.  You do not have to master all five of the steps outlined above to begin feeling better.  Start where you are ready and blossom from there.

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All the best to you my friend.

Lori

 

Shake Free From Failure

Have you ever thought you were a failure?

I mean, not that those words would ever float out of your mouth and into the ears of another.  No way!  Not like that.  But sometimes, when things are quiet and you are alone the thoughts about yourself start to stir…

Why can’t I make this work?

I’m ruining it again.

Is this all there is?

Of course you get invested when a project is important to you; the book you want to write, the weight you want to loose, the promotion you long for.   This is true for anything you strongly desire.

But there is a difference between a project you work on and your value as a person.

Don’t let them be the same thing.  Tease apart your sense of self worth from your projects.  So if the book doesn’t get completed, it doesn’t becomes personal.  Stick to the facts -the book didn’t get finished- rather than the idea -something is wrong with me- because the book didn’t get finished.

You may not have reached your goal but that does not make YOU a failure.  It makes the project a failure.

Keeping your self separate empowers you to evaluate without fear what took place that worked or did not work.  What critical piece or pieces were missing for this activity to be a success?

I know this might feel like a leap for some of you.  Especially if you have bought into the  mindset that your business ventures are a reflection on YOU, or your children’s behavior is a reflection on YOU, or your bank account is a reflection on YOU.  The truth is these situations do not define you.

No.  These factors are neutral before you put your spin on them.  Your interpretation of the facts is where you can gain influence.

A shift in how you view the projects in your life can help to free you from self doubt and self criticism.  And who doesn’t want that?!

People don’t fail.  Projects do.

Oh! But you say, if I’m not responsible for the outcome, who is???  Won’t I become complacent?  A giant blob of low expectations and lack of motivation?

Only if you want to.  The idea here is to increase your effectiveness.  You become objective when you separate your identity from the project.  And when you are objective, fear goes down.  And when fear goes down, you attain a sense of control.

How do you think your decisions might look different from a solid foundation of calm confidence?  Decisions made from a place where projects are not about you personally?

This view helps you operate from an action mentality,  such as “What needs to happen here for this to work?”.   Rather than the slog of, “What will people think if this doesn’t work?”

For me, it makes all the difference.  I can evaluate and act more freely.  I have more clarity about the task at hand and I am less afraid.

I realize that things not working is part of my learning.  The “failures” help me figure it all out, but only if I let them.  Only if I experience them as neutral information to be considered in my choices instead of emotionally charged information to weigh me down.

Do you do this?  What are your thoughts?  I’d love to hear from you.  Leave me a comment below.

All the best to you-

Lori

 

The First Step to Boost Self Acceptance

You walk into the bathroom to finish getting ready for work and you can hear the whisper in your head, “Oh my, that tummy.  Ugh, muffin top.  Capital M, capital U, capital F, capital F…I’m getting so lumpy, geez.” and back you head into your closet to find something different to wear, something flowy perhaps, loose for sure.

This same voice reappears as you get out the blow dryer, “My hair is like straw”, and again, as you begin to put on mascara, “Maybe I should try falsies.  My lashes are so sparse”.  There it is, each step of the way, a critical commentator evaluating your appearance.

Have you ever tried to change your self-talk?  It’s not that easy.

You realize on some level the self criticism is NOT HELPFUL, but at the same time, how can you make this bully play nice?  HOW?  It happens so automatically!

I say, the first step is to decide.  Decide to stop participating in the same-old same-old narrative you tell yourself because it comes at a huge cost, like Jeff Bezos’ income huge!

If you’ve always lived with it, and you have, it is easy to minimize the negative effects that your belittling self judgments can have.

Do you want the automatic voice in your head to determine how you feel about yourself?   To sabotage your self confidence?  To make you want to hide?  Probably not.

Simply begin by deciding to notice without judgment the things being said by this slanderer.  Commit to noticing what is said and how it affects you.

Boom, step one.

This awareness will help you.  It will put the angel part of you in charge of the messages. This higher part of you, your awareness, will be what revamps your self talk.  You will make this change by being more conscious.

So decide my friends.  Commit to yourself.  When you clarify what you want in this way, determination begins to pool within you.  Your mind naturally prepares itself.  The fuel tanks fill up.

Write it down even.  Pull out a clean sheet of paper and write nothing but your intention to put that saboteur in chains.  Write it down because the people who do research on this stuff tell us that we are 65% more likely to achieve something when we write it down.

There are next steps for kicking the critical commentator to the curb, for sure, but for now just decide.  It’s time.  It is time for you to go even further, deepen your process and take your self approval to a new peak.

Where ever you are in the journey to full self acceptance, decide to set a higher standard.  Commit to the idea you would not even say one negative comment about yourself, not even one.

 

It’s so possible.